Here Goes....

Writing down my story and sharing it with others is something I have been thinking about doing for quite a while. It’s hard for me to put my words on paper because it’s so much easier to pretend that there is nothing wrong when you keep it to yourself.  Every day, I hide what I am really going through in an effort to pretend I am normal.  It is a catch 22, because I so badly want people to see me as normal, but then get frustrated when they expected me to do things I can’t do.  I am in a vicious cycle largely of my own making.  So I have decided to try and write about it hoping it will help me be more open about my struggles.

 Here goes…..

I am an independent, determined, optimistic 44 year old woman.  I have been married to the love of my life for the last 18 years. We are the proud parents of a funny, happy go lucky 15 year old.  I have Rheumatoid arthritis and Lyme Disease.  Both of these diseases affect my joints, some much worse than others.  

If you ask me, all I will tell you is that I have good days and bad days. But now, for the first time, I’m going to tell you what that really means. A bad day means I have a hard time doing everything and I hurt all over.  I can’t dress myself, or handle walking 10 feet without being in miserable pain. A good day means there is far less pain and I can somewhat dress myself and walk further before the pain rears its ugly head. I have to think thru everything I do and either find a work around or ask for help, which I hate having to do.  It is so frustrating.   I do get up and go to work every day, because I feel that getting up and going gives me a goal to focus on rather than what I can’t do.

I really try to keep a positive outlook and not let the pity party pull me in; because once you are there it is very hard to leave.   I find it easier to focus on the little accomplishments or the simple
joys in life; like I can walk up these stairs without so much pain today or the sun sure does feel wonderful on my face today. For me focusing on things like this makes it so much easier to stay
optimistic.

For those who know me you know I want everything done yesterday, so patience is not my strong suit. But that is changing, my handicaps are teaching me patience; there is no way around it.  I have to wait on almost everything.  Help with cutting up my food, getting dressed or

help with carrying things up or down the stairs.  Let me tell you, this lesson is a very hard one to learn and is right there with giving up control, another one of my vices.  I like control and organization; I guess you could say I like it my way. This too is something I am learning to give up. Not willingly mind you but for the sanity of my family I am really trying. They have jumped in and taken over most of the things I can’t do any more and I feel it would be unfair of me to push them to do it my way, while I sit and supervise.

I have to say that writing these words brings tears to my eyes, because it makes this all a reality.
I thank you for your support  and understanding .

So here’s to optimism and pure determination.