Independence is something I really took for granted. Being able to do what you want, how you want
and when you want is a very under-appreciated thing. I have always heard that
old adage of "how you don't appreciate something until it is gone"
and thought I understood it. Well now I really understand it. Learning to
depend on someone to do the things you can't is an eye opening experience.
There are a lot of things I miss being able to do myself. Cleaning the house the way I like it cleaned,
cooking dinner for my family, dancing, but most of all I miss walking where
ever I want for as long as I want. Before I was really letting people know about
my struggles I would plan my trips
around whether or not there where places to sit along the way. If not, I didn’t go or I asked my husband to
go for me. So I missed out on a
lot.
In the beginning I refused to use a store scooter -- partly
because I didn’t want people to know how much I was struggling and partly
because of pride. I was not ready to let
people see how my disabilities where affecting me. I call it pride, you may call it vanity,
either way it was preventing me from getting and enjoying life. I did
start using a wheelchair or scooter on really, really bad days. I was tired of missing out. I just didn’t
want to run into anyone I knew. Having to explain the situation and expose my disabilities
was something I really wasn’t ready for.
Realization struck about how much I was missing out on when
my son wanted to go to dinner and the movies with friends for his
birthday. So we planned dinner at the California
Pizza at the Streets of South Pointe and then the boys went to walk around the
mall till it was time for the movie. I
refused to use the wheelchair, because I didn’t want my son’s friends to see me
in the chair. So my husband walked with
me, at a pace that has been referred to as “slow as frozen pond water”, from
bench to bench till we got to the movie theater. Here we sat to wait until the movie started. We didn’t get to enjoy the sights and sounds
of the mall because I was letting my pride stop me. Since
that time I have been using the store scooter or wheel chair more but still not
comfortable talking about why.
Even when using a wheelchair and store scooter I still felt a
huge loss of independence. Yes I was
getting out but someone else was controlling the route or the thing was too big
to get around well. Not enough Independence.
We went to the art walk in down time Durham
recently and I love to check out every booth and admire all the arts and
crafts. Well my husband and son had other ideas. They would do a quick drive by so I could kind
of see the items. Very frustrating, not being
able to control looking at what you want to see. I was very frustrated with them, because this
wasn’t the first time. The more I
thought about it the more frustrated it made me. Then it dawned on me. I am the one who is at the root of the
frustration. I am the one with the pride
issue.
