Pride, Independence and Vanity

Independence is something I really took for granted.  Being able to do what you want, how you want and when you want is a very under-appreciated thing. I have always heard that old adage of "how you don't appreciate something until it is gone" and thought I understood it. Well now I really understand it. Learning to depend on someone to do the things you can't is an eye opening experience.  

There are a lot of things I miss being able to do myself.  Cleaning the house the way I like it cleaned, cooking dinner for my family, dancing, but most of all I miss walking where ever I want for as long as I want.   Before I was really letting people know about my struggles   I would plan my trips around whether or not there where places to sit along the way.  If not, I didn’t go or I asked my husband to go for me.  So I missed out on a lot. 

In the beginning I refused to use a store scooter -- partly because I didn’t want people to know how much I was struggling and partly because of pride.  I was not ready to let people see how my disabilities where affecting me.   I call it pride, you may call it vanity, either way it was preventing me from getting and enjoying life.    I did start using a wheelchair or scooter on really, really bad days.  I was tired of missing out. I just didn’t want to run into anyone I knew. Having to explain the situation and expose my disabilities was something I really wasn’t ready for. 

Realization struck about how much I was missing out on when my son wanted to go to dinner and the movies with friends for his birthday.  So we planned dinner at the California Pizza at the Streets of South Pointe and then the boys went to walk around the mall till it was time for the movie.  I refused to use the wheelchair, because I didn’t want my son’s friends to see me in the chair.  So my husband walked with me, at a pace that has been referred to as “slow as frozen pond water”, from bench to bench till we got to the movie theater.  Here we sat to wait until the movie started.  We didn’t get to enjoy the sights and sounds of the mall because I was letting my pride stop me.   Since that time I have been using the store scooter or wheel chair more but still not comfortable talking about why. 

Even when using a wheelchair and store scooter I still felt a huge loss of independence.  Yes I was getting out but someone else was controlling the route or the thing was too big to get around well.  Not enough Independence.  We went to the art walk in down time Durham recently and I love to check out every booth and admire all the arts and crafts. Well my husband and son had other ideas.  They would do a quick drive by so I could kind of see the items.  Very frustrating, not being able to control looking at what you want to see.  I was very frustrated with them, because this wasn’t the first time.  The more I thought about it the more frustrated it made me.  Then it dawned on me.  I am the one who is at the root of the frustration.  I am the one with the pride issue. 

So that got me thinking what did I want and what was I going to have to do to get.  I realized part of the process would mean me dropping the nothing was wrong act, coming out of the closet so to speak.   So I started this blog. The second part was looking for and deciding to purchase a scooter or power chair so I could gain some of the independence I have lost.  I am happy to say I am now the proud owner of aLiteRider PTC Power Transport Chair. 

I am also happy to say I am  back on the road to independence.