Judgement or Perception we all do it!

Have you ever thought about how you perceive people? Have you ever thought you might be wrong? We all do it.  Get a glimpse of a portion of someone's life  and then form an opinion based on incomplete facts.  I wish I could say that I have never done this, but I have. Being the one the assumptions are made about has really brought this to my attention and made me see more clearly how wrong you can be when you don't have all the facts. Let me explain.

Last year we went to a school function and they needed clean up afterwards. Mark and Cole jumped in and were helping out and I quietly sat out of the way. Wishing I could do something. The looks I started getting from people, I would have to describe them as uncomfortable. This went on for quite a while. Then some people started making comments. Things like, many hands make light work and with all this help will be done in no time, you get the gist. Boy did this make me feel guilty for not being a part of the clean up. A friend of mine noticed how uncomfortable the situation was making me and suggested we go sit somewhere else.   We talked about how people didn't realize that it wasn't that I didn't want to help it was that I couldn't. If you are not paying attention I look fine. So these people were forming opinions on their perception of me. A healthy looking, forty something mother sitting around while her family and everyone else was jumping in to do clean up.  I felt like I needed a sign.   I would love to help but I have major joint issues.  
I also noticed when I first started using store scooters I was amazed by the looks people gave me and the way they cut me off in the aisles.  I attributed it to society and the way so many of us think only of ourselves. It wasn't till I started using my own power chair, then it really came to light because people where much more respectful standing back to make sure I had plenty of room and no more strange looks. So when people saw a power chair that looks kind of like a wheel chair.  It was all OK because i must really need it.  

I was talking with a good friend about this and she told me of her own experience where she was impatiently waiting in the car while a friend ran into a store.  A family parked in a handicap space next to her and started to walk into the store. The father suddenly turned around, walked back to the car, got his cane, and gave my friend an incredibly nasty look. She was shocked at first, not understanding his anger at her. She quickly realized that he had interpreted her impatience with her friend as judgement of him parking in a handicap space when he had no obvious handicap. In reality, she hadn't even realized it was a handicap space! But his expectation and sensitivity to being judged caused him to interpret the situation incorrectly. Ironically, he was doing the exact thing that he resented - judging without knowing the facts.

So we as a culture make assumptions about people on perception not on all the facts.  We all need to work to change the way we think.  To not read to much into a situation, to not make assumptions on a snap shot.  To to be more accepting to be more generous with our thoughts.  

Thanks for listening.

                                                                                                                

Pride, Independence and Vanity

Independence is something I really took for granted.  Being able to do what you want, how you want and when you want is a very under-appreciated thing. I have always heard that old adage of "how you don't appreciate something until it is gone" and thought I understood it. Well now I really understand it. Learning to depend on someone to do the things you can't is an eye opening experience.  

There are a lot of things I miss being able to do myself.  Cleaning the house the way I like it cleaned, cooking dinner for my family, dancing, but most of all I miss walking where ever I want for as long as I want.   Before I was really letting people know about my struggles   I would plan my trips around whether or not there where places to sit along the way.  If not, I didn’t go or I asked my husband to go for me.  So I missed out on a lot. 

In the beginning I refused to use a store scooter -- partly because I didn’t want people to know how much I was struggling and partly because of pride.  I was not ready to let people see how my disabilities where affecting me.   I call it pride, you may call it vanity, either way it was preventing me from getting and enjoying life.    I did start using a wheelchair or scooter on really, really bad days.  I was tired of missing out. I just didn’t want to run into anyone I knew. Having to explain the situation and expose my disabilities was something I really wasn’t ready for. 

Realization struck about how much I was missing out on when my son wanted to go to dinner and the movies with friends for his birthday.  So we planned dinner at the California Pizza at the Streets of South Pointe and then the boys went to walk around the mall till it was time for the movie.  I refused to use the wheelchair, because I didn’t want my son’s friends to see me in the chair.  So my husband walked with me, at a pace that has been referred to as “slow as frozen pond water”, from bench to bench till we got to the movie theater.  Here we sat to wait until the movie started.  We didn’t get to enjoy the sights and sounds of the mall because I was letting my pride stop me.   Since that time I have been using the store scooter or wheel chair more but still not comfortable talking about why. 

Even when using a wheelchair and store scooter I still felt a huge loss of independence.  Yes I was getting out but someone else was controlling the route or the thing was too big to get around well.  Not enough Independence.  We went to the art walk in down time Durham recently and I love to check out every booth and admire all the arts and crafts. Well my husband and son had other ideas.  They would do a quick drive by so I could kind of see the items.  Very frustrating, not being able to control looking at what you want to see.  I was very frustrated with them, because this wasn’t the first time.  The more I thought about it the more frustrated it made me.  Then it dawned on me.  I am the one who is at the root of the frustration.  I am the one with the pride issue. 

So that got me thinking what did I want and what was I going to have to do to get.  I realized part of the process would mean me dropping the nothing was wrong act, coming out of the closet so to speak.   So I started this blog. The second part was looking for and deciding to purchase a scooter or power chair so I could gain some of the independence I have lost.  I am happy to say I am now the proud owner of aLiteRider PTC Power Transport Chair. 

I am also happy to say I am  back on the road to independence.  

Here Goes....

Writing down my story and sharing it with others is something I have been thinking about doing for quite a while. It’s hard for me to put my words on paper because it’s so much easier to pretend that there is nothing wrong when you keep it to yourself.  Every day, I hide what I am really going through in an effort to pretend I am normal.  It is a catch 22, because I so badly want people to see me as normal, but then get frustrated when they expected me to do things I can’t do.  I am in a vicious cycle largely of my own making.  So I have decided to try and write about it hoping it will help me be more open about my struggles.

 Here goes…..

I am an independent, determined, optimistic 44 year old woman.  I have been married to the love of my life for the last 18 years. We are the proud parents of a funny, happy go lucky 15 year old.  I have Rheumatoid arthritis and Lyme Disease.  Both of these diseases affect my joints, some much worse than others.  

If you ask me, all I will tell you is that I have good days and bad days. But now, for the first time, I’m going to tell you what that really means. A bad day means I have a hard time doing everything and I hurt all over.  I can’t dress myself, or handle walking 10 feet without being in miserable pain. A good day means there is far less pain and I can somewhat dress myself and walk further before the pain rears its ugly head. I have to think thru everything I do and either find a work around or ask for help, which I hate having to do.  It is so frustrating.   I do get up and go to work every day, because I feel that getting up and going gives me a goal to focus on rather than what I can’t do.

I really try to keep a positive outlook and not let the pity party pull me in; because once you are there it is very hard to leave.   I find it easier to focus on the little accomplishments or the simple
joys in life; like I can walk up these stairs without so much pain today or the sun sure does feel wonderful on my face today. For me focusing on things like this makes it so much easier to stay
optimistic.

For those who know me you know I want everything done yesterday, so patience is not my strong suit. But that is changing, my handicaps are teaching me patience; there is no way around it.  I have to wait on almost everything.  Help with cutting up my food, getting dressed or

help with carrying things up or down the stairs.  Let me tell you, this lesson is a very hard one to learn and is right there with giving up control, another one of my vices.  I like control and organization; I guess you could say I like it my way. This too is something I am learning to give up. Not willingly mind you but for the sanity of my family I am really trying. They have jumped in and taken over most of the things I can’t do any more and I feel it would be unfair of me to push them to do it my way, while I sit and supervise.

I have to say that writing these words brings tears to my eyes, because it makes this all a reality.
I thank you for your support  and understanding .

So here’s to optimism and pure determination.